{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
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Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind