[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
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The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Twitter is an abusement park.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.