*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
You Might Also Like
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back