*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
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Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I can’t stop laughing at this
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers