*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
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[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Looking at you, Jesus.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?