@beauvoirbaddie when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
@KimmyMonte *comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
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@beauvoirbaddie 
@TheAndrewNadeau {Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
@ristolable “DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
@raoulvilla *being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
@ThisOneSayz Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
@StainsQueen Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
@onion_an Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
@Havish_AF What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
@slimmy_shady I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
@better_off_dad2 You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.