[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
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Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened