*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
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suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
WHY would you be happy about this?
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Optional boss fight.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Dammit Chief not again
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.