Comic π₯Ίπππβ€οΈβπ₯
You Might Also Like
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occamβs toothbrush: show off
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And thatβs all you need to know about before online times.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and thatβs what causes forest fires.
Body by sandwich.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you donβt move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That wonβt happen until yesterday.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, βgotcha.β
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential