Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
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*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
for all #parents out there