[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
You Might Also Like
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Proctology is located in A55
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?