Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
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Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.