[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
You Might Also Like
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
A French press is when you hug naked
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Bread puns are on the rise!
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”