[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
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[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens