Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
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[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Ferrari squats
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter