[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
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{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Bill is short for Billiam
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.