Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
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ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Rooting for the overdog
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.