Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
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I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!