[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
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I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
scrabbled eggs
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”