commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
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My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Finally a use for spoilers…
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.