[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
You Might Also Like
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
any last words?
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*