*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
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There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*