[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
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So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
work smarter, not harder
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.