[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
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glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
The news is so predictable nowadays
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.