[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
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ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
New Tinder profile.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Based Erika
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…