[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
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Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess