[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
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It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Lmao
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.