[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
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[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes