[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
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[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence