[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
You Might Also Like
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”