{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
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If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
where the womens at?
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans: