[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
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[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
#Caturday
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes