[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
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Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…