[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
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I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
i dont have time for this
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Every haunted house movie:
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion