[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
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Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
saving face 👀
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!