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Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
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Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
plums roundup
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”