[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
You Might Also Like
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she鈥檚 reading.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
english majors be like furthermore
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
sober me: where鈥檚 my phone?
drunk me: I鈥檒l never tell
refrigerator: you鈥檙e not going to believe this
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Date: I鈥檓 really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 馃檪 it appears that we鈥檙e all in this togeth-
There are usually two types of merchants.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver鈥檚 seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I鈥檓 saving thousands of dollars on braces.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i鈥檒l wait
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
I鈥檝e never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I鈥檝e never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I鈥檝e ever seen.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”