[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
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9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks