[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
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I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that