[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
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Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Somebody call the cops.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.