@dafloydsta

[commercial for salad]

Do you want to feel sad when you eat?

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@TheTweetOfGod

It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.

@steak_umm

“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”

@mattgallo123

Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.

@don_haworth

I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row

@Social_Mime

Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes

@briancthayer

Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.