[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
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THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
i can’t wait that long
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…