[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
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Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.