[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
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I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
I just ran a .003048K
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.