[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
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It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
*pronounces UPS like yoops
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
courtroom exchange of the day
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*