[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
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Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.