WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
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Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.