[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
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This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Jurassic park gets weird
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.