@Home_Halfway WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
@CornOnTheGoblin [commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
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@Home_Halfway 
@Mr_NotStupid Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
@3sunzzz My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
@DomBorrett Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
@DaleMcpeek No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
@causticbob I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
@BobTheSuit Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
@TheCatWhisprer On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
@NYC_Blonde Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
@SortaBad I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.