[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
You Might Also Like
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.