Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
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impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
selena gomez
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*