[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
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[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
My dryer is celebrating lint.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again