[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
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Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]